holiday spirit...

You know how most talk about the 'holiday spirit', that it is supposed to bring families together and what not...definitely not the case for my family. I figured since today is Christmas Eve that things would be decent for atleast today. Wishful thinking on my part. Two of my aunts haven't talked to eachother in over a year. Te sad apart about this is my cousins are in the middle of it. it's really sad to see my cousins suffer because of my aunt's falling out. My cousins barely see eachother because of this. It honestly breaks my heart.. =/

So I survived my first semester in college. I already have my grades too. Some if the classes I should have did better in, especially history.

English- A-
Sociology- C
Music for Teachers- A
History- C

Well Merry Christmas Eve =)

stupid stupid stupid!!!

...that's exactly how i feel right now..After being faced this problem for the 3rd time now, I shoulda learned from the first time. I'm not going to say what the problem is because it's rather personal...

I really need to start learning from my mistakes..OF course this mistake involves a guy...how typical right? Most would say just cut the guy outta your life...I feel like it's impossible for me...he needs me & i need him.-___- Being on and off with the guy for almost 3 years now, I don't know anything else..But the situation i am currently facing it seems like the smartest thing to do.It's defintitely going to be the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life..Things need to change and I'm the only one that has the power to do it.I don't even know how to end things with him cause I've never had feelings so strong for another guy..

On a lighter note..
I took my first final in English and got a B+ on it..and my final grade for the class is an A-. =) One thing to be happy about. Never really liked writing and expressing myself, but lately it seems like the easiest thing to do.

That seems like the only good thing I have going on right now...it's a shame because I'm 18...it's 'supposed' to be one of the best ages..I'm halfway through being 18.nothing awesome has come out of it yet...still waiting for that miracle..

finally.

Things are FINALLY looking so much better than before.

All it takes is a little patience. Never really thought it was true, but it definitely is. I'm FINALLY used to the college work, but watch it get worse. Another B+ on my English paper. Never really appreciated the images words can paint. Writing all of these papers helped me gain this appreciation. No, I'm not going to write a great novel or poem book, but I can finally write my thoughts on paper without complaining about the fact I have to write it.=) that's a real accomplishment for me.

I FINALLY bought a laptop ! haha..it is definitely needed, for the simple fact that doing homework is impossible on a desktop with the grandfather blasting the teevee. My life is finally made simpler.

There's more but I'll have to finish it another time.Too much going on right now.

xoxo

updates.

So I haven't written in a while, been kind of busy.Here are some updates.

I think I'm in love but, you'll never hear me admit it because it's easier like that. I won't admit it to that person, but I think he already knows. It's the kind of love that just can't be. Time and time again he tells me we can't be anything more than what we are now. I don't know what to think anymore, he's right for the most part. It's pretty unhealthy though because I'm holding on to something that will never be more than what it is. Honestly, I wouldn't even know what to call it.For the longest time now, whenever things wouldn't work in a relationship for me as well as him we always came back to this.He's told me to let him go, but I don't have it in me to do that. Whatever I end up doing is going to hurt me in the end. If I let him go I'm only going to end up worse and heartbroken, which is never a good thing.I'm happy right now, but there's soo much I can take. -___-

School has been pretty hectic lately. My first semester is coming to a fast end. I've had quite a few papers due within a week, but I force myself to get them done. To focus on school seems to be the easiest thing to do.I figure if I get all my work done the semester will end faster, which it seems to be doing. Thank God.

Things with the fam are pretty decent lately, for the simple fact I don't see them that much. Of course when I have a paper due, my grandfather has to watch the football game on a Sunday, which totally blows. I really need to get the netbook I've been wanting for a while. It's going to make my life soo much easier.

That's pretty much it for now.
xoxo

2nd chances?

When do you know if a person really deserves a 2nd chance, after they messed up soo badly.?

After 13 years my "father" decides he misses my brother and I. I put the quotations around the word father because he wasn't really one. He left my family when we needed him most.I'm torn between trying to have a decent relationship with him and just ignoring his attempts. There's one thing in particular that is holding me back. He left once already, he could leave again. He has another family, so why reach out after soo many years?There are a lot of unanswered questions that keep going through my head.

The fact that he left messed up any realtionships with males. I have really bad trust issues.When I get close to a guy the one thought that is constantly in my mind is "he's going to leave". Once I get to that point i usually break it off with the guy.it's bad, but something i have to deal with.

I'm going to just put myself out there & see what happens. At this point it's the only thing i can do.

the truth

Friday a friend that used to be pretty close told me basically my life isn't going to amount to anything. To be honest, I don't really care she said it. There are somethings I've done in the past few months I wouldn't normally do. They things she brought up weren't even that serious in my opinion. I got a tattoo about 2 months ago on my wrist. It's pretty small it says C'est la vie, of course haha. That saying basically sums up my life. Another thing she brought up was the fact I got my tongue pierced a month ago. No one can see it unless I physically stick my tongue out. The last thing she brought up was, well umm..weed.

I'm not spiralling out of controll..I could never let that happen, yet that's what she thinks will be the outcome.Yeah, she's my friend and what not, but to say my life isn't going to amount to anything is a little extreme. For the longest time I lived my life searching for the approval of my grandparents. That was such a waste of time.They say they are proud, but they have a funny way of showing it. If someome was proud do you think they would say "I didn't have a choice to take you guys in,I did it for your mother". She basically meant, I don't want you, but I had to take you in. Pretty fricken great to say huh? Ugh! just thinking about that gets me mad.But whatever!

college life & such.

I've realized one thing about myself, I can't handle too much stress. Experienced my first panic attack, totally sucks by the way. -___- Music used to help a lot with stress but lately nothing seems to help. Of course everyone seems to encounter some sort of stress when college is involved, especially in the first semester. The root of my stress isn't all of the tests and papers, it seems to be all of the pressure I put on myself. I know that I am capable of doing pretty darn good in school, but i psych myself out. Hopefully things get better, but I doubt it will anytime soon.

On a lighter note, I met a few new people. I can call one my friend. The others are just someone to talk to during class. Friends aren't something that stick around with me. There are a few that have stuck around for a while, but who knows how long it'll last. For most, it's hard to understand the complexity in my life. I've had to endure too much pain at one time, when I tell my story the first reaction is "I'm Sorry"..I'm sooo tired of people saying it. It doesn't mean anything anymore when people say it. In all honesty, I would rather be left alone because it's easier than letting people into my life, maybe that is why friends don't last.

I'm no way near someone that is anti-social. I love meeting new people, but it's hard to let them into my world. The few that I have let in left, and it still hurts.Yeah, I'm pretty sensitive, but so what? It's what I get for keeping things bottled up, guess I just have to deal with it by myself.

I have to do this paper on self-perception, how ironic?
LATERR !